It does not escape me that I am one of the fortunate ones who has healed from the impact of being physically and sexually abused as a child.
It has taken me my entire adulthood to heal the wounding I sustained from the abuse I suffered.
During my 30s while in therapy, I recovered repressed memories of being sexually assaulted and continually molested by my Grandmother’s paramour when I was just 3 year’s old.
The other memories of the physical abuse I endured at the hands of a maternal aunt were not buried, nor were they so easy to forget.
One of the worst memories of the physical abuse I suffered from her, (which plagued me for years), was when she had me pinned against a wall in a choke-hold when I was just 13 years old and I couldn’t breathe.
I truly thought I was going to die that day.
But what hurt me most about that particular incident was not the physical act of the abuse itself, (which in and of itself was horrendous enough), but it was the look in her eyes.
It was vacant and empty of anything except pure hatred for the niece, that perhaps out of obligation in addition to the mind-altering effects of the crack-cocaine she was abusing at the time, she had chosen to take in after my mother, (her sister), had committed suicide.
That look seared a wound in my heart which it has taken me my entire life from which to heal
I know all too well how it feels to be unwanted, unloved and to feel as if you are a wanderer on the planet without family or a place to call home.
Additionally, I had to heal my Mother wound which resulted from my Mom's suicide, the one that created the faulty, erroneous core belief that if my own Mother didn't want me and could abandon me, then of course no-oneelse would.
That one ran deep, and has taken me many years and much work to heal and resolve.
Trauma not only impacts the emotional and mental aspects of our Being, but it also impacts our physical well-being. This is why a holistic, therapeutic modality is most helpful when delving into healing from the ravaging effects of it.
It is also why when I was knee-deep in the belly of my own healing process (which began in earnest about 25 years ago) I sought out healing modalities which not only used talk therapy to help me process my emotions as it related to the child-hood trauma I experienced, but I also explored healing modalities which invited me into my body so that the residual wounding from the trauma I’d experienced could be brought to the surface, addressed, integrated, healed and resolved once and for all.
It takes courage to face the trauma you experienced as a child and to choose to address and heal from it.
Some take that courageous leap and some will go to their grave having never dealt with the trauma they suffered, at all!
And then there are those who will start their healing process and then retreat when things become challenging and the heat is turned up, as it most certainly will be if you are truly in an authentic, raw, real healing process.
Healing is messy, painful, challenging, uncomfortable and will bring up every imaginable thought and emotion you can think of, while you're in the throes of it.
Which is why many turn away from it, IF they choose to heal at all.
I get it. Truly I do.
I’ve been there done that, (ran from my own healing) multiple times throughout my life.
But I always came back and chose my healing over and over again. Thank God!
Because the alternative choice was simply more than I could bare.
Dysfunctional relationships whereby I continuously chose friendships and lovers who were replicas of the people who had abused me as a child; physical limitations and illness which stemmed from my addiction to food and ballooning up to almost 300 pounds when I was in my late 20s; constantly moving from pillar to post and struggling with money, because of the lack and poverty consciousness with which I was raised; seeking validation, acceptance, and love externally from those who were emotionally unavailable and oftentimes narcissistic, letting myself be used as a doormat, and manipulated and abused to meet others needs because having someplace and someone to whom I belonged was better than having no-one at all, (even at the expense of my own well-being); using my spiritual path to anesthetize myself from the pain of living, suffering from depression and panic attacks which crippled me and left me completely incapacitated for years, are just some of the ways unhealed, child-hood trauma manifested in my life.
That is until I stopped running from my past, did an about faced turn-around and looked the Boogey Man of my childhood trauma directly in the eye, and made the courageous choice to heal.
Today, my past does not rule my life. It is very much tattooed within my Being and is woven within the matrix of how I move in the world, but it no longer manifests in the dysfunctional ways I mentioned above.
I am no longer imprisoned by the childhood trauma I endured in the same way that I was earlier in my life.
I took a leap of faith into a profound journey of healing and am now reaping the fruit of having done so.
I now feel it to be my life and heart calling to support others as they too begin their unique journey of healing the wounding sustained from their experience of child-hood trauma.
Therefore, welcome. I'm so glad you're here. <3